You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
