i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
