Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My ass is underappreciated
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