Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
