tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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