no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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