I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
