I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
