you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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