i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
