I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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