I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
