Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
