I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your dad touched me again.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
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My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"