Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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