bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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