The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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