you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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