I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
