...so i touched it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
