Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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