If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
