you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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