Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
