if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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