On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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