If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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