my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
