my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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