he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
