I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
