she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
