im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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