I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
