I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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