I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
