Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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