I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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