mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
