If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
