how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
