Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
