I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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