Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
