great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
