if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
