You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
