GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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