am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
