This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
