you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
