im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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