if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
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you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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