So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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