Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
