Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think people are normalizing furries
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
