Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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