just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
