He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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